A Very Jonas Christmas was recently released on Disney+ and Hulu and stars Nick, Joe and Kevin Jonas as themselves in a plot focused on them being stranded in London and desperately trying to make it back to New York City in time to have Christmas with their families----well Nick and Kevin anyway.

Within the first five minutes, a memorable first five that features Will Ferrell as a Jonas Brothers superfan, it’s quite obvious this isn’t a move that’s taking itself serious. That’s cool with me, as I love a good cheesy Christmas romcom and can live with a certain level of cringe. Is this latest offering from The Jonas Brothers a Christmas hit? Here’s my thoughts.

HITS

-Will Ferrel has a small part during the movie’s first few minutes and is absolutely hilarious as a Jonas Brothers fanatic. It’s quite possibly the funniest thing about this movie.

-While I should’ve known, I had no idea beforehand this was (in part) a musical. That brought a little uniqueness and fun to the movie.

-Cassidy the travel agent was funny.

-Archived home video footage of the Jonas brothers as youngsters during one of their musical numbers was pretty cool tbh.

-The Ethan and Nick Home Alone 2 musical number is the most entertaining scene involving a Jonas brother in the movie.

-Hour and 19 minutes run time felt perfect. They could’ve easily stretched this another 15 or so minutes to add more adversity for the brothers but wisely didn’t. Any longer and this thing starts really dragging.

MISSES

-The whole Joe running into old friend Lucy from Portland on a train headed to Amsterdam, who happened to be there too (solo) dealing with a bad breakup, to their near skinny dip scene overseas, to her living nearby in Brooklyn, Christmas morning---so on and so forth was straight up whack. I get his two brothers are married with families and you gotta find Joe his happy ever after---but this felt like a really lazy way to have find it.

-Also, the Joe and Lucy musical duet number kinda sucked. It’s becoming clear I’m a Joe and Lucy hater.

-With the exception of their opening scene number, I can’t recall many, if any Jonas Brothers musical numbers that were actually Christmas songs.

-I get the plot and dialogue as silly being par for the course with these type of movies, but I can’t just handle the part of the movie they’re on the jet with the “pilot” Gene. It’s just too fucking ridiculous for me to take.

-Jesse Tyler Ferguson made for a (very) weird Santa. You can’t make Santa feel diabolical, even if the point is to get the brothers closer together.

VERDICT/SCORE

I don’t really have much more to add. It’s cheesy, predictable and at times even cringe worthy—especially the ending. It also has a few legitimate laugh out moments, especially the “Home Alone” cabaret scene between Nick and Ethan (played by Andrew Barth Feldman) that’s uncomfortable in the most entertaining way.

There’s definitely things I’m not a fan of---especially the absurdity of the Joe and Lucy chance meeting on a London train, and also Santa revealing himself as an ultimatum swinging bully.

In all though, this is decently fun and certainly watchable movie that you can file away under guilty pleasures.

SCORE: 5.2 out of 10

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Joy to the World is a new Christmas movie streaming on Disney+ and the story’s focused around Joy, a lifestyle expert and influencer who’s crafted a perfectly perceived (and fraudulent) life primarily through a series of prosperous books and TV show appearances.

Her life gets instantly turned upside down when a network executive and/or book company head honcho (maybe he’s both?) decides they’ll film a live TV show from her home on Christmas eve. Of course, chaos ensues as Joy scrambles to put together a fake family through bribery and blackmail to get through the show. The pretend family affection progressively becomes very real, especially between her and ole’ friend zoned Max, who’s been crashing at her guest house.

Will they find true love? Will Joy get away with all her bullshit that’s built a successful career? Well, it’s a Christmas movie airing on Disney-plus, so I think you can do the math. Anyway---here’s my NON SPOILER thoughts on this offering.

HITS

-Above all else, I need a Christmas movie to feel like a Christmas movie. Christmas feeling like a backdrop prop is a non-starter (IE: Die Hard). No problem here, as Christmas was treated is of utmost importance and a significant part of the story.

-Acting performances were particularly solid, both the leads and secondary cast alike. Chad Michael Murray bounces back nicely compared to last year’s “The Merry Gentlemen” offering, where I thought both he and the movie were lousy. Emmanuelle Chriqui was likeable as Joy, no small task given we know she’s living a lie just minutes into the movie. I’ve been a far of hers going to back to the Entourage days.

-Major props to the housecleaner Marta and postal guy Freddie for strong supporting roles as well. I actually really liked them by the end of the movie.

-I think Max and Joy did the most with what the writing gave them. We would’ve been better off having their past and paths explored instead of just feeling he was staying in her guest house cause---well whatever, but they did good with what they got.

-Almost all, even the best Christmas movies are incredibly predictable---where you know how things will ultimately play out 10 minutes in. However, while knowing the climatic part of the movie would initially get disastrous, I felt a decent amount of suspense built wondering exactly how Joy’s masterplan would go off the rails. In fact, my assumption for how things would go wrong didn’t happen at all.

MISSES

-It’s very apparent just minutes in Joy’s either intentionally being fraudulent or at the very least, unhappily living a big fib. I spend a lot of this movie trying to overcome this just so I can actually root for her. At one point she says she goes along with the sham of who she’s perceived as because she never expected to succeed with her book career. Sorry lady but saying you didn’t think you’d make it isn’t an excuse to be a swindler!

-I hated one of the most central plots of the movie --- her creating a fake family because a TV show is coming to her for a live special on Christmas eve. Forget about the fact we all knew it was never going to work---but even for the sake of discussion the con was successful that night, is Joy oblivious to think she’s absolutely getting exposed sometime soon after? Joy should’ve just came up with a bullshit reason (IE: Covid) to not have to do the Christmas show—potential crisis averted!

-Perhaps it would’ve been less insulting to our intelligence if she was tasked with putting a rag tag family together for a night to impress studio executives or major corporate business sponsors as opposed to a live TV viewing audience.

-Considering she had an ample amount of screen time and scenes, the “redhead” character ended up playing no meaningful role in this whatsoever. Should’ve left her shit on the cutting room floor.

-I’m usually very much shoot your shot and won’t surrender a big spoiler here, but the precise moment Max decides it’s his time to try and shine---while Joy’s enduring the most unraveling if not humiliating moment of her life wasn’t the best timing.

-99.9% of Christmas movies are designed to give you a feel good ending (minus Michael Keaton in fucking Jack Frost). The happy vibes come out here of course, but I wish there would’ve been a handful of minutes left on the clock when it goes down---maybe complete with a quick12 months fast forward to next Christmas when they’re married for real, for real. This ending, while jolly was too abrupt for my liking. It’s like when someone wins American Idol and the show goes off with confetti flying before we get the winner’s reaction.

VERDICT

This reminded me of The Noel Diary a few years ago, a story I mostly liked because of the presentation and some seriously good acting chops, but flawed plot points and behavior from the female lead made it hard for me to look past.

I think the performances are good enough to mostly overcome it.

Jerry Ciccoritti is the director, same guy who directed the recent shit bomb called Hot Frosty. That sucked and this one did not. There’s nothing unique about Joy to the World nor do I think this goes down as a memorable Christmas movie but hey---it’s at least worth the watch.

SCORE: 5.8 out of 10.

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Libby opens a bakery right around the holidays called “Empire Patisserie” and I can’t lie --- had me no idea what the word Patisserie even means. Fortunately Google is my friend (it’s a bakery specializing in pastries and sweets). Anyway, a guy (Peter) who’s apparently a movie star gets served the wrong desert. That coupled with shitty service from a moron employee leads to Peter rightfully bitching about his experience on a food review app. It creates an online feud between movie star and bakery owner and ultimately love of course.

I originally thought this was a brand new 2025 release and exclusive for Netflix but later found out it debuted in 2024 and is also on Prime Video. Regardless, since I haven’t seen it until just now, “A Sprinkle of Christmas” has the distinction of kicking off this year’s batch of Christmas movies to watch and review.

Was spending 90 minutes on this film to kick start things regrettable? Here’s my thoughts.

HITS

-Libby’s good enough as a leading lady in this with some credibly believable acting chops. Never heard of the actress (Haley Sales) but found her intriguingly hot. If there’s one character who has any depth in this, it’s definitely her.

-It passes the “This is a legit Christmas movie” test. Too many flicks have Christmas serving as merely a prop. For me a good true Christmas movie can ONLY work around Christmas time. In that regards this works just fine.

- The “everything will be OK souffle” is a catchy food title offering. Need one of those in my life next time I’m feeling down.

-I need happy endings in Christmas movies like I need oxygen, and while this one’s a bit rushed over the last few minutes, it does an adequate enough job. We leave the final scene knowing Peter’s absolutely getting some ass on Christmas Eve night.

MISSES

-Apologies to actor Marshall Williams if he sees this and catches hurt feelings, but this dude doesn’t remotely feel like any sort of leading man, let alone a famous movie star he’s portrayed as.

-That said, he’s Tom Hanks compared to whoever it was that played brother-in-law Danny. I mean, he’s fucking terrible.

-I want to like Libby and get behind her, but she’s kind of a bitch. Maybe instead of waging keyboard war against Peter on “Knives & Spoon” she should’ve been putting more thought into lazy hiring decisions---as her shithead employee Skip’s a bumbling idiot who caused the bad review to begin with. Also, Skip fucked up a second time---tipping off the brother in law AKA horrible actor that Libby’s Winter H, leading to Libby not being able to address everything on her terms. Fire Skip to the fucking moon.

-I’m pretty good at suspending reality, but how does a food app go from place to leave restaurant thoughts & reviews to a personal platform for love between Theo1200 and Winter H? It’s made clear their conversations that began with malice and grew more intimate went viral yet they’re the only ones replying in the thread? At one point Libby’s partner, Nicole asks Libby why she hasn’t slid into Theo’s DMs?!? Knives & Spoons is essentially Twitter or Tinder I guess.

-Libby’s big “I love Peter” light bulb moment goes off at the tail end of an interview---on Christmas Eve nonetheless from a food critique. I couldn’t tell if the journalist was looking to write about bakery or trying to be Dr. Abby. Either way she came off as a nosy bitch and it was a dumb ass way to get Libby and Peter to their climatic scene at the end, lacking any real suspense or bite too be honest. Maybe if we knew how Libby had been burned from love in the past I’d have more investment, but nah.

VERDICT

My first Christmas movie of the 2025 season didn’t get off a roaring start here. Authentic Christmas vibes and a few other groovy attributes were nice, but the problem --- a big one at that is I didn’t find anyone or anything in this movie charming enough to actively root for.

Again, Libby was fine (both literally and figuratively) but I was actually confused if not turned off why she totally tanked the big public Peter confession love scene at Empire Patisserie even though it was obvious she was in love with him too. Even if predictable, THAT should’ve been the climatic happy ending to send us off feeling good.

Her lack of reciprocation there without a clear reason why kinda made me not care when she had her epiphany at the very end---and at the risk of sounding mean I never gave a shit about Peter one way or the other to begin with.

The bar for my 2025 intake has officially been set pretty low. It’s mostly terrible and only a few Libby moments save it from me considering it utterly unwatchable.

It’s barely charming and funny, not even in a fun cheesy Christmas movie type of way. Hard pass when it comes to recommending.

Grade: 2.9 and perhaps I’m being generous.

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“After finding love, the Wright Brothers unwittingly schedule weddings for the same day. A sibling rivalry ensues for the right to wed their brides on Christmas. That’s the official short description found on Rotten Tomatoes. I thought this was a 2025 release seeing it’s new to Netflix but apparently this movie actually dropped last December.

It features Joey Lawrence, yes the “whoaaaa” kid from Blossom who had a hit record single “Nothing’ My Love Can’t Fix” back in 1993 that went all the way to No. 19 on the Billboard Hot 100. I can’t front though—I actually liked that jam. It also stars two of his brothers, one of them (Andrew) apparently also the director, and I think their mom is in it too or something. Also, this is kind of/sort of a sequel of their 2021 Christmas movie Mistletoe Mixup, which I haven’t seen and based on this, never will.

Typically, I try to build some suspense in my intro before revealing my thoughts as this goes along but in this case, it’s the holidays and I don’t have it in me to do that to you.

This movie absolutely, positively fucking sucks. Yes, this review does contain spoilers but none bigger than what I just wrote. It’s immeasurably bad.

The only question that looms----is Marry Christmas the worst Christmas movie I’ve ever seen in my life? Oh what the hell, YES It is. Read on if you want to find out why.

HITS

Eventually it ends

MISSES

The casting is bad

The acting is bad

The plot is bad

Literally, everything is bad.

If you want at least one thing specific --- the extended bar scene where the three brothers end up at a redneck bar that has Christmas karaoke and ends in a bar fight is honest to God one of, if not the single-worst scene in any movie I’ve ever seen, Christmas or otherwise…Ever

VERDICT

I didn’t laugh. I didn’t get moved to any kind of emotion other than annoyance. About the only time I got into it was a scream at the television to please, for fucks sake give me a Christmas decoration or something in a shot that made it resemble a fucking Christmas movie. Like, literally less than 20% of this movie feels like Christmas matters.

Aside from that, I simply suffered and anguished through it.

Joey Lawrence may have been the child star and singing phenom of the family, but both he and his two brothers equally suck at acting. Each time you think one of them is the worst a different has a line that swings it right back. Just fucking awful and they’re so bad I don’t even want to look up the other two names.

No hyperbole here folks. In 1988 Ernest Saves Christmas dropped its load on us and since then I’ve always considered it the single-worst Christmas movie of all-time. Several other insufferable holiday flicks have been contenders, but none ever able to displace ole’ Ernest’s dumb ass.

Until now. Marry Christmas now takes the reigns as the worst pile of shit Christmas movie in the entire galaxy. From the first minute until the merciful last there isn’t a single scene remotely entertaining or enjoyable. It’s the ultimate you been a bad boy and Santa gave you cinematic coal in your stocking. The silver lining is if you can through the entire 85 minutes of this non-stop shit bomb, you can do anything in life you put your mind to.

Score: 0.1. Was willing to give this a 0.2 because Samantha Cope (Liz) is pretty hot, but then found out she’s not only married to Joey Lawrence in this movie but also real life too ---she’s got to live this shit every day in real life.

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♦♦♦♦♦

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For most the country and I suppose the world, Holiday Touchdown: A Bills Love Story is just one of several dozen new Christmas season releases that’ll be consumed without much hype and in fact, a generous percentage seeing it may do so after accidently stumbling on it.

However, for the Western New York region and Buffalo Bills fans all over, this arrived with plenty of hype and anticipation.

From local casting calls for bit roles, Buffalo Bills players old and new making cameos and scenes shot around the area months ago, we all knew this was coming, leaving many excited to get their eyes on this Hallmark Channel 2025 holiday offering.

The plot revolves around two lifelong friends teaming up to find Uncle Tommy’s mystery gift sender, which pushes Gabe and Morgan closer together and makes him realize he’s in love with Morgan, though of course Gabe’s the last one to figure this out and it makes for some fun interactions with other characters.

This is the second consecutive year the Hallmark Channel has packaged this type of NFL related movie, with it being centered around the Kansas City Chiefs last year.

For people around the world, this a familiar tried-and-true holiday love story plot with not much unique to offer but around these parts anyway, it’s also a film often paying homage to Buffalo and more specifically the final season at Highmark Stadium.

That’s all fine and dandy but the only question that really matters----is Holiday Touchdown: A Bills Love Story actually any good?

Here’s my unbiased thoughts and I suppose a warning, this DOES CONTAIN SPOILERS!

HITS

-Guest what folks, Ralphie from The Sopranos has a soft side! Joe Pantoliano as Uncle Tommy brings more than just credibility --- he absolutely steals the movie. A handful of scenes centered around him are without question highlights, including the backyard catch with Morgan where learn more of his selflessness with his nieces, his talk with Gabe that serves as the final nudge to get Gabe to take the big leap of faith, and of course his halftime speech on Highmark Stadium’s midfield that was moving enough to get me up on my feels a little bit.

-Morgan and Gabe both come off as likeable, convincing (enough) and therefore worth rooting for. I find myself with most of these Hallmark holiday movies not giving a shit about their happiness, but Gabe and especially Morgan reel me in enough to have me invested.

-Thought their families living next door to each other throughout their lives would be an annoying subplot but the intertwining actually felt organic for me. Didn’t feel far-fetched at all they’re all that close and if you didn’t know better, related. Thankfully not of course because of you know—-incest.

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- Dug a lot of the visuals and references directly paying homage to Buffalo and more importantly its (for the most part) accuracy. From Buffalo food staples like wings loaded with hot sauce, extra blue cheese, Paula’s donuts and beef on weck to real life locations like Bar Bill, Vidlers, Elm Street Bakery & Oishei Children’s Hospital among others, Buffalo’s very well represented.

- Even though I knew it was coming, was fun to see people I know and like get their moment forever etched into film with a cameo---people like Sal Capaccio, Matt Parrino, Ryan Talbot, Kristen Kimmick and Del Reid to name a few.

-Above all else I need a Christmas movie to feel authentically Christmas. Like, does the movie work the same if Christmas was stripped away and it was shot in September? The answer here is overwhelmingly no. There’s no shortage of Christmas decorations, music, scenery and vibes. We’re all about the holidays with this, folks.

-Sean McDermott has the best scene and acting chops among the Bills current and alumni team cameos. Let Sean cook!

MISSES

-I generally liked Morgan but her borderline obliviousness to Gabe being in love with her was insulting. You’re an intellectual doctor with plenty of street sense and you can’t tell this dude is practically drooling over you? What are doing here, Morgan? If Damar Hamlin, Dion Dawkins and DeWayne Carter know it, she should know that shit too.

-The use of the Marv Levy inspired dialogue in their situational dialogue, such as “it’s just right for us” and “where else would you rather be, than right here right now” was just too much for me. Cheesy dialogue overdrive! I’m all about the Buffalove e but that felt cringy for me.

-Hallmark movies are supposed to always have happy endings for all the good guys and gals, but Frank (Steve Schirripa) never got to enjoy the hot dog he craved. Instead, his wife kept shoving celery down his mouth. Bullshit---let that man live a little.

-What’s up with skinny keto Santa? (Yes, I know he was in last year’s Chiefs Hallmark movie).

-Got news for the filmmakers---- 360 Abbott Road doesn’t have houses that look anything like that!

-Sticking with geography and admittedly something that would only matter to ME, but when they finally traced Mia to Abbottsford Place, I nearly lost my mind with excitement. I quite literally grew up on Abbotsford Place! It’s a tiny street on the west side and I was wondering if I may even catch a glimpse of my old house. Nope. In this movie Abbottsford Place was located in East Aurora. Fake news!

-Jim Kelly, Dion Dawkins, Josh Palmer, Steve Tasker, and Reid Ferguson clearly don’t care about their families, as they’re happy to give up spending Christmas morning with them in order to go to Highmark Stadium and play flag football with a bunch of strangers? No way Gabe’s got it like that.

-Speaking of flag football, Gabe warns Morgan he’s not going to go easy on her and proceeds to get absolutely cooked by her on a simple go route. Get that fucking guy off that sacred field immediately.

VERDICT

I honestly had no real expectation for this movie, especially on the heels of last year’s Kansas City Chiefs model—-the huge pile of shit that preceded it. I knew I’d see some cool Buffalo visuals on film and being able to bust some balls with media friends and Bills fans with cameos in a few scenes, but beyond that and maybe a few chuckles at the lunacy of the plot I’d spend most o this cringed out. Like, best realistic case this film doesn’t embarrass Buffalo and the people living in it.

Given that expectation going in, this wasn’t only better than I could’ve realistically hoped for, but significantly so. In fact, I wouldn’t have hated this even had I set the bar higher to begin with.

Obviously, all the native Buffalo stuff is cool for someone born, raised and still living in this town but here’s the funny thing after watching the movie--- not sure I would’ve enjoyed this much less were it the Arizona Cardinals or Indianapolis Colts holiday love story version if you swapped out the cosmetics.

This is a very strong supporting cast. Not only are Pantoliano and Schirripa worldwide famous because of The Sopranos among other roles, but Tracy Pollan’s a very credible actress not to mention Michael J Fox’s longtime wife.

As for the leads Holland Roden (Morgan) and Matthew Daddario (Gabe), they’re certainly not without flaws and at times categorically overacting, surely a Hallmark Movie trademark. Honestly I don’t even care —- they made me care about their journey even if we all knew just minutes in where it was headed and that’s what these movies are ultimately all about.

Morgan in the backyard with Uncle Tommy, Gabe coming clean to her on the mean streets of East Aurora---I buy that shit, man—I’m buying what they’re selling.

That’s especially true with Roden. For the most part I was extremely impressed with her acting chops and now even looking forward to seeing what she does next.

Will Holiday Touchdown: A Bills Love Story measure up to the classic Christmas standards or even the best flicks that’ve come down the chimney in recent years? Of course not, let’s not get ridiculous here.

Fortunately, I’m not here to foolishly make that kind of comparison. You don’t put Wicked on Broadway up against whatever’s playing at the Riveria Theater (no disrespect to North Tonawanda intended).

With that said, I’ve seen plenty (and I mean plenty) of Hallmark Channel Christmas movies in recent years, more than I care to admit and tossing away the Buffalo part, I can say objectively and without bias this is one of their better offerings.

It certainly kicks this shit out of last year’s Kansas City based flick.

SCORE: 6.7 out 10 and recommend as worth your time. Set the proper guidelines and expectations for what it’s supposed to be beforehand, and I see no reason why you won’t enjoy it.

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PREMISE: A decade after breaking up, former lovers unknowingly reunite days before Christmas when their significant others turn out to be siblings and all end up under the same roof. Does chaos and hilarity ensue in this new Netflix offering? Well, kinda… Here’s my takes:

PROS: If she hadn’t already, Lindsay Lohan has re-established herself as a formidable rom-com lead actress, at least for me. For the second time in three years (also 2022’s Falling for Christmas) Lohan was really good in this type of leading role. Ian Harding (Logan) was charming as her counterpart and Kristen Chenoweth (Ericka) was pleasantly fun in a supporting role as the hard-to-please adversary for Avery . I thought the concept was relatively fresh by most modern day Christmas movies and while not likely it’s certainly possible over time (several years) to completely lose touch/interest with your ex and be clueless as to who they’re currently with, even if you both still live in the small(ish) town.

What minor expectations coming were definitely exceeded and again, it didn’t feel like a blatant rip off of something else I’ve already seen. When the clear cut goal was to be funny it was accomplished, there’s without question a few laugh out loud moments throughout.

Also, there’s no clear cut “villains” in “Our Little Secret” but plenty of flawed characters with shades of grey.

Lastly and as always, I’m a sucker if not demanding of a happy ending with any Christmas movie and this delivered the goods—leaving me with the good feels.

CONS: Plenty of plot holes throughout this story, some of which hard to grasp. For example, both Avery and Logan take what feels like a long ride with their current lover to stay the holidays at Cameron & Cassie’s parents house. I have to assume it’s in another town, otherwise why stay there for three or four nights? However, when Avery needs go to home it feels like she’s there in 10 minutes. I also thought the big dirty little secret(s) reveal during the Secret Santa gift exchange had way too many things going on at once, making it all convoluted.

Also, a big reason Avery’s sad at several points of the movie is because she misses her deceased mom. Understood, I’d be the same. For fuck’s sake though, if her recurring sadness over it are a focal part of her personality and motivation for several factors, it would’ve been nice to learn what actually happened to her. We never find out, thought it’s possible we did and I just wasn’t paying attention at the time.

Additionally, the awkward tenson between Avery and Ericka was one of the highlights of the movie but didn’t get nearly enough screentime to shine, besides after (sorry for the semi-spoiler) eats a shitload of cookies and has to deal with the consequences. By the way—who the fuck eats that many cookies in one sitting?!

As far as Logan, he certainly appeared to have his shit together after the Avery breakup at the beginning and it had me wondering what the hell he was doing with Cassie. Again, it’s not that Cassie’s a bad person, just felt like a pretty bad fit and I felt no chemistry.

Last thing for me is that it passed the “is this Christmasy enough” test, but barely. It stepped up it’s Christmas game just in the nick of time, because for large chunks of this flick I couldn’t tell if it was the third week of December or early March. In my world, the great holiday movies can’t be made if not built around Christmas itself and this came close to falling short.

CONCLUSION/GRADE: This is no classic by any means and honestly, Lohan’s “Falling For Christmas” in 2022 was more festive, romantic and certainly more heartfelt than this. This feels like the kind of movie you’ll watch once and not come back to in future years because it’s not nearly memorable enough. The ending while happy also kind of sucked and who ended up together beyond Avery & Logan was predictably stupid.

That said--- not going to completely hate on “Our Little Secret.” It’s well casted, especially with another winning performance from Lohan, character driven and in my opinion at least worth an hour and 40’ish minutes of your time. It could’ve been more than that if they let Lohan and Chenoweth shine together just a little more. Grade: B-

Premise: In an effort to save her parents small town music club, an aged-out dancer from the big city concocts a plan to put together a male dancing revue to raise the $30,000 needed to avoid an eviction. (Netflix).

Here’s my pretty much non-spoilers assessment.

Pros: I’ve liked Chad Michael Murray and sure, there’s definitely some Buffalo bias there. If you didn’t already know, Murray’s from Buffalo (Clarence) and has done a lot of good things throughout his career (spoiler: this ain’t one of them). Also, since its purpose seems to be serving a plate of male eye candy, I suppose it gets the job done there.

Cons: Well, the biggest con is this movie’s a big pile of shit. Beyond being boringly predictable, even by Christmas movie standards, it’s completely rushed. The “dynamic” between Luke and Ashley feels like it skipped at least eight chapters. Dude bought her a necklace after the first show, I mean come on. Speaking of the show, it’s pretty fucking remarkable that four smalltown guys, including a handyman, dishwasher (I think) and cab driver can become world class dancers in four or five days of practicing—I’m talking like John Travolta in Saturday Night Fever level shit. If that’s not absurd enough, an elderly bar regular (Danny) seamlessly steps in following an injury to Rodger with literally NO REARSHAL OR PRACTICE, proving all along Ashley’s tutelage didn’t teach them shit.

There’s also the climatic point of the movie where Ashley must make a big decision and gives an impassioned speech. The overreaction by all the dancers to it is laughable, considering it’s December 23rd, the show’s only running for two more nights and anywhere and it’s clear as fuck she has little to do with their routine. The tickets are sold out, and the crowd is there to see the meat on stage---not the bitch behind the scenes allegedly teaching the choreography. Obviously love stricken Luke is sick about it, to the point he’s literally willing to sabotage the big performance but why do the other guys give a shit about what Ashley does. If anything, they’re selfish fucks for not caring about Ashley getting a golden second chance with her own career she desperately wants back.

Lastly and this irritates me greatly, this wasn’t nearly Christmasy enough for my liking. If I movie could’ve just as easily taken place over any other time of year, it doesn’t work for me. Don’t make Christmas feel like a prop, you pricks.

Conclusion: I grade Christmas movies by a curve, as I’m not expecting a holiday version of Sleepless in Seattle or An Officer and a Gentlemen. But Jesus, at least try to do something original and exciting we don’t see coming a mile away and if not, at least make me give a shit?

There’s one line in this from the landlord describing the bar that truly fits this movie as a whole, “A hole in the wall with too many holes in the wall.” The Merry Gentlemen isn’t funny nor particularly charming, I’m not invested in any character and quite frankly both Luke and Ashley are more thirsty than romantic. Like, go bone it out and get back to life.

I thought Hot Frosty was garbage earlier this week but upon reflection, that shit is Romeo and Juliet compared this nonsense. This would be, by far the worst Christmas movie I’ve seen so far this year and a contender for the worst in the past 5-10 years, but then I saw “Christmas in the Spotlight” after this and that’s in a league of its own (more on that separately and soon). Anyway, this movie sucks and isn’t worth your time—end with the trailer. GRADE: D-

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I watched “Let it Snow” (2019) on Netflix the other night after stumbling across it desperate to find a Christmas flick I hadn’t seen yet. The plot revolves around of group of mostly high school seniors in an Illinois small town that converge during/following a snowstorm for a party on Christmas Eve, with pretty much no parental presence because hey----why spend a meaningless night like Christmas eve with your family when you can hang out with your all friends at the Waffle Town?  It’s clearly geared towards if not catered for the Generation Z demographic and it’s certainly not ambitious storytelling but honestly (and spoiler alert) that didn’t stop me from enjoying it. Here’s my takes:

PROS: This was an ensemble-type movie in the same lens as Love Actually, Valentine’s Day and New Year’s Eve among others where multiple stories ultimately intertwine with each other. Typically I’m not a big fan of so many things to follow at once, as it’s hard enough to be fully invested in one over the course of 90 (or so) minutes let alone four or more, but “Let it Snow” pulls me in enough to care about the outcomes of everyone. As for the specific primary stories you get a chance meeting of two strangers on a train (one of them a music star), the boy who secretly yearns for his female BFF, a girl trying to figure out why her crush is acting so hot-and-cold, and the overly stressed girl who’s in a relationship with a dude that doesn’t share the same feelings. They all manage to keep my attention because the story arcs are cute, charming and well-acted, even if I don’t know this cast (I suspect a lot of young people would).

Of course, I’m a stickler for Christmas movies looking AND feeling authentic and “Let it Snow” checks all the boxes. There’s too many holiday flicks out there where Christmas feels a secondary element if not a complete afterthought, but I never really got that sense here even though this movie could’ve just as easily taken place at any point of the winter if it wanted to.

Look, this film tugged at me a little to be honest. There’s pretty decent meat on the bone with stories and scenes to be had, especially Julie’s relationship with her mom, Dorrie giving her best friend Addie some hard truths and Tobin’s pining for the girl he’s been in love with for years (I feel at some point of our lives we’ve all been there).

CONS: Maybe it’s just me but the physical dynamic just didn’t feel right between Stuart and Julie. Stuart’s I’m assuming a couple of years removed from high school while Julie’s a senior in school. A few years age gap here’s perfectly acceptable. My issue’s Stuart looks older than portrayed while Julie just looks significantly younger, at least until the end anyway.  I dunno man, I got the vibes of someone in their young-to-mid twenties being smitten with a high school sophomore. Like I said, maybe that’s just me and to be fair Julie looked more age appropriate during the movie’s climatic scenes (FWIW in real life Stuart’s six years her senior).

Also, I love silliness in holiday romcom storylines as much as the next guy or gal, but in one scene Stuart and Julie both roughly fell off a sled—probably a good hundred feet or so apart, yet within a matter of seconds Stuart was able to save Julie from what would’ve been certain road kill. I mean, come on. Lastly Stuart’s such a big star, to the point he can’t enjoy a waffle in peace earlier yet there’s a point later on where no one seems to give a fuck about him being at their party, if they even know who he is.

Lastly, the Tin Foil Woman (Joan Cusak) was frustrating. I know what her purpose is and she definitely had some infinite words of wisdom to offer Addie at one point, but I simply found her annoying, especially with the bickering that resulted in accidental destruction of Addie’s property—I mean, I would’ve punched this bitch in the face if I were Addie.  Also, not having any literal explanation for her tin foil made her seem more cringe than prophet.

VERDICT: It’s not without flaws but “Let it Snow” goes great to give you the sentimental vibes of Christmas season. It’s surely predictable but listen, if you’re going to do predictable---do it well and I think this does with a cast likeable enough to revel in their happy endings. This won’t go down as a modern Christmas classic but it stayed true to the roots of the holiday spirit, I found it enjoyable and it’s the first among my first-time viewed holiday films this year that wouldn’t have my feeling tortured watching it again.  Grade: B

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I just watched the new Christmas advertised film “Family Switch” (2023) on Netflix, with a cast led by well known Hollywood stars Ed Helms and Jennifer Garner. Last year saw a big budget Holiday film, Spirited with Will Ferrell, Ryan Reynolds and Octavia Spencer do well and kinda fit into the popular modern Christmas movie season culture. Family Switch is about a family becoming more and more disconnected as two teenage kids grow older, and have a life-altering chance encounter with an astrological reader who apparently is also a Lyft driver driving some weird van or some shit. Can Family Switch make it back-to-back years of solid holiday flicks alongside Spirited? Hell no, and here’s my take:

PROS: Pretty clever reference by Bill Walker (Helms) early on with homage to “13 going on 30” in a scene with his co-star Garner. Also, Jess Walker (Garner) trying to not fart uncontrollably after consuming ice cream before her big corporate presentation was as close as I came to laughing during the duration of this movie---it reminded me of the “cover your farts” current trend on Tik Tok. Yep, a one-liner and farting were the two highlights for me.

CONS: I could write shit for days so let’s just get right into the meat and potatoes.  Family Switch is as unoriginal, cliché, stupid, meaningless, lazy and cringe of a movie as it gets. The old switching of bodies between parents has been done time and time again--- 13 Going on 30, 17 Again, Freaky Friday, Like Father Like Son to name a few and look--- not being original would be fine if this wasn’t so poorly executed and written. It’s not cute, not funny, not charming---it’s pretty much not anything complimentary worthy. I didn’t laugh, I barely smiled and quite frankly I didn’t give a shit about what should’ve been the more heartwarming breakthrough moments of the film.

Most importantly, it’s not nearly fucking Christmasy enough. Sure, the opening scene with the Walkers is all about Christmas and the studio shelled out big bucks for plenty of Christmas songs on the soundtrack, and there’s a family performance singing a Christmas song at the big talent show---but apparently it’s only pretty much Christmas for the fucking Walkers because there’s barely any other holiday themed premises or even decorations anywhere else but their home. Not the school, not the streets, nothing. Hell, there’s not even a mention of Christmas for nearly half the movie after the first 5-10 minutes.

Also, after literal gorgeous weather throughout it’s suddenly snowing on Christmas morning---pretty ironic considering they LIVE IN FUCKING LOS ANGELES! To emphasize the snow, the U.S. National soccer scout shows up at the Walker house on Christmas morning, because what better shit does he going on Christmas morning than to show up unannounced and offer a national team roster spot to a girl (CC) who quite literally blew the biggest high school match of her career 48 or so hours earlier. I came really close to turning the TV off and not watching the last seven minutes when the scout apologized for getting there late because of the snow storm, which again they are in fucking Los Angeles, but I digress.

As for the soccer, the fact a professional broadcast team and stadium looked like 25,000 people were in attendance for a high school girls soccer match felt ridiculous, as did the high school bully (Hunter) of the Walker’s genius son, Wyatt, as did the revelation Bill Walker would’ve been in Maroon Five (or Maroon Six as he said) if he didn’t have a kid, because I suppose its unheard of for musicians to have children and balance a career in the music industry or something, JFC.

VERDICT/GRADE: The family catchphrase in this movie was “Walkers never quit.” Honestly, they should’ve thrown in the towel two to three scenes in because this shit’s fucking atrocious.  From the mailing it in storylines, directing and cash grabs from Helms and Garner (can’t hate on them for that), this is about as bad as it gets. In other similar movies I felt some compassion and warmth for the characters, such as Garner in 13 Going on 30 or Matthew Perry (R.I.P.) in 17 Again, but I felt literally zero for anyone in this cast.

Lastly, if this took place storyline-wise in May or September it’d be bad enough, but the fact it attempts to make itself a Christmas movie is laughable.  One of if not the biggest critiques and basis of judgment I have for any Christmas movie is the central theme feeling genuinely Christmasy, or if it’s just props and background noise. Family Switch is the latter and to make matters worse, it stinks. It fuckin’ stinks.  It's  right there with Ernest Saves Christmas as the worst Christmas movie ever in my book, and Family Switch may be THE worst. Grade: F

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After passing on a chance to watch it the past two years following a trailer viewing I thought looked stupid, I gave in and watched “Father Christmas is Back” (2021) on Netflix. It stars Dr. Frazier Crane, Hugh Grant’s absolute smoke show/cougar ex and a bunch of others who’ve I’ve barely heard of and who cares, because quite frankly they brought nothing to the movie anyway. The plot revolves around four mostly unlikeable adult daughters getting together for Christmas even though it’s clear only one wants it, with everything thrown into chaos when their father, estranged from all over the past 27 years unexpectedly shows up.  Here’s my takes:

PROS: Nothing building through this movie suggested  a major twist/surprise was brewing towards the conclusion. There was, it was a game-changer and definitely caught me off guard so props for being able to surprise me. Also, while often annoying if not verging on cringy there were definitely good ole’ fashioned heartwarming Christmas movie sentiments as it wound down.

Also, I feel like James Christmas’ (much) younger girlfriend, Jackie was cast as a bimbo designed for the girls to hate yet it’s arguable she may have ultimately been the most likeable character in the movie.  Lastly, I always put plenty of stock in how Christmasy a movie feels---some often use the holiday as a prop, nothing more than a movie backdrop but in this case Christmas was a heavy focal point from the opening moments.

CONS: There’s plenty of accomplished actors in the cast yet chemistry was sorely lacking. You’ll be hard pressed to find someone more fond of a gorgeous Elizabeth Hurley than me, but she was awful as Joanna Christmas---her bitchiness came off as forced, as did youngest daughter’s Vicky’s whorish tendencies. Paulina’s obsession with the Beatles was corny if not pointless and Caroline is a mess that tries to keep everything together. Again, just nothing about any of them and their relationships/interactions felt organic.

The estranged father, James and Jackie appear cast as the film’s antagonists yet they’re only ones I end up even remotely rooting for. I mean, at one point I realize his bitch daughters have been the bigger problem throughout their 27-year estrangement than him, he’s completely got his shit together.

Also and again circling back to Hurley, there’s simply no way I buy her as Grammer’s eldest daughter, even if they explain he was just a teenager when having her. In real life he’s just 10 years her senior and looks it.  If they weren’t insistent on his girlfriend being ridiculously younger, Hurley would’ve fit better as his love interest, not someone who’s diapers he changed as a baby, for fuck’s sake.

There’s just so much more about this movie that sucks----from how quickly the girls forgave their father after he showed up to how they’re barely even mad at the one even more responsible for the lie they’ve spent most their life living, and especially to the family bar scene when they get on stage to sing Christmas karaoke songs—cringy and forced!

VERDICT/GRADE: Interesting twist aside this is an absolute flop of a movie. Matter of fact, it’s one huge Christmas shit bomb that unless you’re willing to sit through a movie to see how bad it can be, as I tend to do. I’d completely avoid this at all costs.  Grade: D

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I watched Last Christmas (2019) on Amazon Prime over the past week, starring Emilia Clarke, Henry Golding (who?), Emma Thompson (definitely not who) and an assortment of others I’ve never heard of. The plot revolves around a struggling young adult female who can’t get her shit together and shows precious little enthusiasm for anything other than being drunk, disastrous and kind of whore’ish -- with no seemingly visible path to personal redemption after nearly dying not long ago from illness.  Things change when she meets Tom by happenstance (over and over again) and fulfillment ensues—just in time for Christmas of course. Here’s my takes:

PROS: While I admittedly pigeon-hole Emilia Clarke (more on that in the cons section) and don’t really find much redeeming about her to openly root for (more on that in the cons section) Clarke puts on a great performance, especially in the back half as she grows more self aware. Also, while the music of George Michael largely feels empty (you guessed it---more on that in the cons section) the actual lyrics of “Last Christmas” ultimately make sense—“Last Christmas, I gave you my heart. The very next day, you gave it away” come to make a lot of sense.

I think they do a fairly valiant job of keeping Tom completely mysterious until it was time not to. He’s likable and charismatic, as is Kate’s boss (only referred to in the movie as Santa), who delivers a few solid one liners.

Also, there’s a decent amount of laughs scattered throughout but particularly when Kate’s an absolute hot mess. There’s also the warmth most relish in a holiday romcom and I’ll give Clarke enormous credit for displaying serious acting chops over the final quarter or so of the film, especially in the scene where she tries to rent a place to live and critical pieces of the film suddenly come together.

CONS: I find myself not having anything to really root for with Kate, not cool considering she’s literally the focal point of all this. There’s nothing in her career she wants to accomplish and seemingly her biggest quest is to not be regarded as a disappointment and complete loser by the people in her life. Let’s aim higher Kate. Sure, things happen to her throughout but there’s few pinnacle moments or self-reflection that makes me long for her success and happiness before I’m emotionally checked out on her.

Also, I hate to typecast but I look at Kate and still see Daenerys Targaryen---the first of her name, the unburnt, breaker of chains, mother of dragons, blah blah blah.  At one point her grumpy boss pissed Kate off and I was waiting to hear “Dracarys” (only the Thrones faithful will get that reference).

As for Tom and his relationship with Kate, the big twist short for me if not at least somewhat telegraphed, at least if you were paying any attention to the randomness of his path crossing with Kate. Their love story is cute but too destined and even more predictable.

Also, Kate is or at least was an aspiring singer. It’s a shame no one had the balls to tell her she’s not actually very good. Whether it was as a child in the beginning or or the intended climatic musical finale, her singing was mid—drunken karaoke level at best.

Lastly, no one loves them some George Michael and Wham more than me but I saw no point of their catalog being stuffed into this film, other than the title track “Last Christmas.”  In fact, it’s quite gimmicky. Kate has a George Michael sticker on her suitcase but her relationship to his music is never explored. I mean, there’s plenty of his songs but other than the title track, they never really land as anything more than movie filler.

VERDICT/GRADE: There’s not really anything special about Last Christmas, other than, of course to have you feeling festive and for that--- I think this does a pretty decent job. It’s often straightforward and extremely predictable, but more than Christmasy enough and worth your time  Nothing more, nothing less.  GRADE: C

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I watched “The Holiday Calendar” on Netflix the other night. It’s not new (2018) but my first time getting around to watching it.  The plot revolves around a floundering photographer (Abby) who wants more from her career than taking pics of kids with Santa yet does nothing about. Meanwhile her thirsty BFF (Josh) shockingly longs for more, while an Advent calendar given by her grandfather seems to predict specific moments of her love life during each day of the holiday season. Here’s my takes:

PROS: This was absolutely better than I expected. For starters I loved me some Abby (played by Kat Graham). She beautiful, charming and likeable enough to have me invested in her. She without question is the bright spot of this flick, with great supporting acting from her grandfather (Ron Cephas Jones, who was fucking sensational on “This is Us” a few years ago.)

I also liked the concept of the Advent calendar that her deceased grandmother wanted her to have. It helps bring out the magic of Christmas, even if the timing of doors opening was wildly inconsistent. As far as Christmasy vibes and scenery, this passes all the holiday vibe tests 100%. Lastly and of most importance, I was outwardly rooting for Abby at the end and yes, it has the happy ending any Christmas romcom damn sure better have.

CONS: Josh is a nice enough guy but I can’t completely buy him. I mean, I get he’s head over heels for Abby but come on---dude’s traveled the world as a successful photographer and comes back home to take a gig as an Elf’s assistant just to get closer? Career suicide bro and sorry, he just doesn’t have the game to score Abby and escape the friend zone in real life--which gives false hope to the 98% of you friend zone trapped mofos that think you’re getting out anytime soon.

Also, as much as I love Abby it’s ridiculous to present her as someone utterly oblivious to Josh’s true feelings. Also, this flick isn’t big on being unpredictable, and the second we realize within the first few scenes that Josh isn’t family nor gay it’s obvious where the plot’s headed. Speaking of the plot, at times it moves so abruptly it’s really hard to get into character development other than Abby.

Lastly, they kind of paint Ty (Abby’s love interest one point) as a bad guy but other than being attracted to pretty woman (he is single and all) and bullshitting around a little (who doesn’t?) I don’t think he’s really bad at all—maybe a little douchey at worst. Stop hating, ladies.  

VERDICT/GRADE: This certainly won’t stack up against the Christmas greats—modern or classic but that doesn’t mean The Holiday Calendar wasn’t enjoyable. I’m Team Abby (would love to see her in more shit) and loved when the light clicked on for her, making the ending extremely satisfying. I mean, If you’re watching a holiday movie and not openly rooting for the happy ending, you’re a shitty person. I looked it up and saw this scored really low among critics and I get it to a point----there isn’t great naturally chemistry between Abby/Josh, and some of the movie plots/points feel convoluted. But if you’re feeling the holiday spirit and want something romantically cute, The Holiday Calendar is without question worth the watch. GRADE: C+

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Need to preface by saying it’s a HGTV flick, essentially the same style of a Hallmark Channel feature, so expectations shouldn’t rival The Preacher’s Wife or Miracle on 34rd Street.  “A Christmas Open House” centers around a newly re-married elder mother who’s moving into her husband’s house and looking to sell hers, unbeknownst to her daughter—ironic consider she’s literally a fucking professional home stager who still lives in the same state. What ensues is said daughter (Melissa) teaming up with her once-upon-a-time high school crush, David, coincidentally is a real estate agent, albeit quite possibly a terrible one and it’s their mission to get the house revamped and for some poorly if it all explained reason, sold within nine days or so by Christmas.

WHAT’S TO LIKE: I enjoyed the lead actress, Katie Stevens, who looked familiar to me and after researching found out she was once an American Idol finalist (Season 9). She has a good look, decent acting expressions and some sexy 1970’s Wonder Woman Lynda Carter vibes about her.

Obviously this flick completely drips with cheese but still hits some of the notes I seek in a holiday movie. Most importantly, Christmas is a central theme as opposed to an afterthought/prop, which you see and feel throughout. It has the quaint small town community feel (this movie is set is tiny Rutledge, Georgia) it intends to with a  great quote from Melissa’s mother, Janice (played horribly by Bobbie Eakes) closer to the end, that has her say “Home isn’t a building. Home is family. It’s community. Home is the people who love you. It’s a lot more than walls and a roof.” That’s well said, too bad she’s absolutely fucking useless in the process of trying to get her own house sold but more on that in a minute.  Anyway, it’s plenty Christmasy in a small town --- and of course when the chips are down Rutledge rallies together to help out. It at least gives the good ole’ college try to leave us with all the feels at its climatic point.

WHAT’S NOT TO LIKE: While I’m good David not being some huge sex symbol we usually see in these roles, I felt absolutely zero chemistry between these two. I mean come on, Melissa’s entirely too fucking hot for this goof.  Like, bitch what are you thinking? Vainness aside, I’m bothered by the plot from its very origins—the first scenes at the wedding  where Melissa only finds out her mom’s selling the house second-hand from someone else. Like, how stupid must you be to think mom’s getting married and not jettisoning the house? Then again, being an idiot must run in the family because why wouldn’t the mother, who may be high throughout this entire movie, not tell her daughter about the house---considering again--- she’s literally a fucking professional home stager (disclaimer: I’m not even really sure that even means).

There’s just a million and one other stupid little things. David comes to the house (Melissa’s staying there) and they come up with some quickly sound (and put on paper) renovation/remodeling ideas to increase the value. I could understand him given it thought and being prepared, seeing he knew about it not to mention his job---but somehow this woman has a thousand ideas herself despite not even knowing about it roughly 10 hours prior.  Also, for someone with as much alleged experience as David, his methods were annoying. He came to the house with a camera to take pics but clearly mailed that in.—like focus that fucking camera and lock in a few quality photographs. He also did plenty of physical labor in multiple scenes yet never had a drip of sweat or a blemish on his clothing. I sweat carrying a load of laundry around—GTFOH.

Also, Melissa rented furniture and other valuables (did her mom not have any furniture herself?) but allegedly because of a credit card digit mix-up all the stuff got repossessed just one day before Christmas eve. I mean, come on man---- if there was a wrong digit the initial transaction wouldn’t have went through—let alone the effort to repo everything so quickly. Even by HGTV/Hallmark standards that’s just fucking ridiculous. Of course, that was done to have the town step up and provide their own shit, because apparently the entire town has nothing better to do on Christmas eve than lug furniture and artwork around to someone’s house.

What else--- I was hoping Melissa’s best friend (Gloria) would get run over by a car. No one’s that fucking nice. Also, I know they attempted to sell us on Melissa being pressured by her boss to get back to Atlanta but the whole plot moved along way too quickly. It felt like a cheesy Christmas version of the TV series “24” --- I was waiting for a Keifer Sutherland cameo.

Lastly, the predictable ending hook up between Melissa and David was pretty lame. I mean, I wasn’t thinking they would cut away to seeing David smash in the bedroom as the flick ended but I was expecting more than a kiss that barely gets past brother/sister territory.

Grade/Recommendation: I can’t in good conscious actually recommend you spend 1 hour and 29 minutes watching this, but I’ve seen worse. The Christmas scenery and small town feels are pretty solid and like I said, Katie Stevens isn’t bad in this movie at all—good enough that I wouldn’t mind seeing her in more serious shit in the future.  Her aside tho, blah on this—there’s definitely plenty of better ridiculously cheesy yet still romantically charming Christmas movies than this.  Grade: D+  

(Patrick Moran turns his inability to articulate thoughts and use fancy words on paper into easy-to-read reviews for the audience. Eat shit, New York Times and Variety Fair movie reviewers of the world.)

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From the moment I first saw the trailer for “No Hard Feelings” I’ve eagerly awaited its release. Jennifer Lawrence is one of my favorite actresses on earth not to mention drop dead gorgeous. Plus, trailer clips looked absolutely hilarious and make this a must-see. For those who don’t know, the premise revolves around Maddie (Jennifer Lawrence) being a down-on-her-luck woman who had her car repossessed and finds herself in danger of losing her house. She answers an ad from (rich) parents that offer her a Buick in exchange for getting their son, Percy out of his introverted shell AKA banging him. What ensues, or is supposed to anyway is hilarity. Does this coming-of-age raunchy rom-com actually deliver? Here’s my takes…  

PROS: No surprise given I literally just admitted to having a Jennifer Lawrence pro-bias so yeah, I utterly enjoyed her in this film. We already knew from her Oscar-winning performance in Silver Linings Playbook not to mention smash hit franchises like X-Men and The Hunger Games she possesses serious acting chops, but I didn’t expect her to shine in physical comedy like this. I felt a little Kristen Wiig comparable with Jennifer here as she’s head-and-shoulders the best thing about No Hard Feelings. Most of the movie’s elite moments revolve around her and in particular scenes involving the beach and a high school/future Princeton party, where she says with perfect comedic timing “doesn’t anyone fuck anymore.” Seriously, without giving too much away her physical comedy at times is on another level.  

Also, Andrew Barth Feldman, an actor I previously never heard of was pretty good as Percy.  His growth from the awkwardly shy high school senior transformed into someone with confidence is fun to watch, even if not completely organic.  Props by the way to the writers for making Percy 19 years old even though he’s still a high school senior. It sounds significantly less creepier than being 18 for the purpose of this movie.

Circling back to Jennifer Lawrence, I’d be remiss if I didn’t mention an extended J-law full frontal naked scene among the movie’s biggest pros. And by extended I mean far more than just a glimpse. So much in fact, I wondered if they had some kind of CGI/body double do the deed but nope, Lawrence confirmed in interviews it was all her and she had no second thoughts about doing it. .Cha-ching!

CONS: Unfortunately the plot’s painfully predictable---unoriginal and nothing we haven’t seen several times before. Essentially what you’re getting here is equal parts Failure to Launch, Can’t Buy Me Love, She’s All That and American Pie(s). The down on her luck beauty is paid to get the quiet nerdy kid out of his timed shell before he shuffles off to college because----well, who the hell actually knows why his parents care.

Speaking of, what kind of fucking parents are Laird and Allison Becker? They hire a woman 13 years Percy’s senior to essentially have sex with him so he loosens up and isn’t a tight ass before attending Princeton in the fall?

Also, and I must drop a mini-spoiler here, but the part where they’re at dinner and Percy plays the piano while tenderly singing Hall & Oates’ “Maneater” to near perfection is agitating. One hand it’s brilliant and Maddie’s visibly moved by it (I did enjoy her expressions). That said, it makes you wonder at what point did Percy wake up and basically become Barry Manilow? There’s not much an inkling before the scene that Percy’s so musically gifted and again, how shitty of his parents to not know this. So yeah, I would’ve been more pleased if he sucked but was going for it in the moment anyway. That could’ve been a pinnacle moment of the kid coming out of his shell even if he sucked but instead the piano playing/singing had me thinking Percy’s just legitimately stupid for not having already pursued music for passion (and chicks) long before Maddie came along.

Lastly, while I enjoyed a big chunk of this movie I was left unsatisfied with the third act and ending. A business transaction turns into significant human emotions— again, boringly predictable and generic. It would’ve been nice if there could’ve been a twist we never saw coming at the conclusion instead of an ending pretty much telegraphed—can’t really go much further and keep this a non-spoiler review.  

RANDOM OBSERVATION: A controversy I’ve seen tossed around criticizes this movie as promoting adult grooming---more specifically a 32-year old women attempting to coerce a 19-year old young man/teenager into having sex. To those in the fun police publicly bitching about that I simply say---fuck off.  It’s a completely FICTIONAL coming-of-age comedy. It’s literally meant to be cringy and raunchy, so kindly remove the stick from your ass and enjoy a laugh or two in your life.

VERDICT/GRADE: I’ll be perfectly honest---if this starred nearly any other actress not named Jennifer Lawrence I probably wouldn’t have enjoyed it as much.  That’s the J-Law effect—she makes a decent movie good and a good movie great and No Hard Feelings is 100% character performance driven. Even with her I can’t put it on the same pedestal as the great earlier this century rom-coms like Forgetting Sarah Marshall, Bridesmaids or Wedding Crashers nor does the nerdy boy becoming a man have the same appeal as Patrick Dempsey in Can’t Buy Me Love back in the day.

That said, No Hard Feelings is solidly entertaining with plenty of laugh out loud moments and enough investment in both characters to give a shit about them and hell, even have you up in your feels.  At bare minimum it’s certainly worth watching and at it’s best it’s a welcomed throwback to how fun raunchy rom-coms used to be. This feels like a flick I’ll be watching reruns of several times on USA Network or TNT for years to come. GRADE: B

(Patrick Moran turns his inability to articulate thoughts and use fancy words on paper into easy-to-read reviews for the audience. Eat shit, New York Times and Variety Fair movie reviewers of the world.)

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I’m a little more than four months late to the party since its late February release, but I finally got around to checking out Cocaine Bear on a July Sunday afternoon. Obviously I’ve heard plenty about it, as the trailers and pre-release hype made it a social media darling. That said, I certainly didn’t have any expectations going in. I knew it was billed as based on true events and decided to wait until post-viewing before fact checking to see what’s real and what wasn’t.  Anyway, after spending roughly 90 minutes of my life I’ll never get back, here’s my thoughts on Cocaine Bear and be warned---this review does contain a few spoilers.

PROS: If your definition of comedy is “this shit’s so stupid I can’t help but laugh” you’re in big-time luck. Also, I suppose props should be in order to Elizabeth Banks for bringing to light a story that least contained a few shreds of truth. Lastly this story being based in the 1980’s allows us to enjoy some cool 80’s vibes and musical tracks, especially “On the Wings of Love” by Jeffrey Osborne. Like literally, this felt like a movie that was made and released 40 years ago.

CONS: I mean, where the fuck to even begin? For starters “based on true events” is true only in the most technical of terms. The only parts of Cocaine Bear that resembles any truth is a drug smuggler throwing duffel bags of coke off a plane before parachuting to an accidental death and yes, a black bear did ingest a lot of cocaine. All the other shit, from a coked up crazy bear attacking and killing eight humans, to muggings, a dead cop a nurse looking for her daughter in the mountains and drug dealers trying to find the duffel bags is literally all bullshit. In reality, cocaine was found by a 175-pound black bear in 1985 and roughly an hour after eating that shit like birthday cake, said bear went into cardiac arrest and died of an overdose. No real life humans played by shitty actors were actually ever harmed---the point being advertising a movie based on a true story is a stretch and if people didn’t know any better, they may have left the theater believing a lot of this shit.

Inability to suspend reality aside, Cocaine Bear was filled with horrible writing, horrible dialogue, horrible story telling and even worse acting. I don’t know if this was Ray Liotta’s final movie before passing away or not---quite frankly I’m too lazy to research but regardless, what a shitty way for a pretty damn good actor to end a career. He was abysmal as was the nurse (Keri Russell), the guy best known for saying shiiiieeeettttttt on The Wire ( Isiah Whitlock), Ranger Liz (Margo Martindale) and especially O’Shea Jackson Jr. as David.  Staying on the false advertising tagline, this is also billed as a comedy/thriller. There’s literally nothing funny about this. No slapstick physical moments, no hilarious zingers or anything else resembling anything comedic---just a ridiculously poor CGI’d black bear mauling the ever living shit out people that ranged from uncomfortably weird to grotesque.

VERDICT/GRADE: Maybe the concept of a bear being high as fuck on cocaine would play well on social media and make people want to see it, but for me this was an unmitigated flop on each and every level. The only thing higher than that bear may be Elizabeth Banks for wanting to make and direct this pile of shit. At times I felt like I was watching Goonies meets poorly produced 80’s horror films and again, this is coming from a guy that generally loves stupid comedy/thrillers. A friend said this movie made about as much sense as Pootie Tang. Pootie Tang was Shawshank Redemption compared to this nonsense. Just awful with pretty much zero redeeming about it. Cocaine Bear’s literally one of the worst movies I can recall seeing and short of the audience being coked up yourself, I’m not sure how any audience could possibly find this entertaining. It wasn’t funny—-in fact that only thing funny about this flick is that actually exists. It wasn’t thrilling. It was simply---stupidly pointless. Actually, the only good thing about Cocaine Bear is it’s so awful it inspired me to starting slapping up more reviews again after a hiatus.  Grade: F

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It’s been a hot minute since I’ve sat down and watched a movie, documentary or TV show to break down. Between the holiday season (accompanied by an underwhelming crop of 2022 Christmas flicks), work, podcasting and some home improvement projects, I’ve lacked the opportunity to enjoy more leisure time. I finally got the chance a few days ago to scroll Netflix for something interesting to watch---and landed on “Pamela, a love story.” I know the mainstream stuff of her life like most do--- a Playboy model, starred on Baywatch, married to Tommy Lee, had a sex tape leak out, etc. and was interested to see if there’s more substance to her than I imagined. Is there? Is this a good docufilm worthy of your time? Here’s my take:  

PROS: “Pamela, a love story” shows an exceptionally candid and sometimes emotional depiction of Pamela Anderson taking back her life through her own narrative. I’m not going to lie---this doc made me see her in an entirely new light. Now knowing how objectified she’s spent most her life, I’ve got a ton of newfound respect for how pleasant her demeanor comes across despite everything. Were it me I may be ready to fight the world. Generally speaking If you know nothing or not much of Pamela Anderson’s life and career, this guides you through both the good and bad. Additionally, the photo and video archives of Pamela’s youth and early career are visually spectacular. I mean, I was stunned and admittedly in the most pleasant way to see many of her naked photographs from back in her Playboy posing days. Also, for someone who once enjoyed a prolific career based so much on looks, I found it refreshing if not courageous for Pamela to spend huge chunks of this documentary with literally no makeup on---making herself physically vulnerable and often showing her age (55).

CONS: This literally just dropped days ago so I don’t want to spoil plotlines for many that haven’t seen it yet, but I was very displeased with the gloomy vibe narrative in the final moments literally just a scene or two removed from what felt like should’ve been the triumphant ending I was rooting for. Also, while intimate details of her personal and professional career are discussed and highlighted, it felt her other marriages (five following Tommy Lee) were too quickly glossed over --- merely a blip in her life, including the man she’s currently married to when filming started. I’m talking like an utter afterthought. I understand this is a documentary primarily told by Pamela but it would’ve nice and perhaps more balanced to have talking head testimonials from other parties besides herself, her sons or parents---such as maybe a former husband or two for starters or someone from the media who treated her like shit.  I was also left wondering with the Broadway production of “Chicago” being such a focal point of the back end of the film, how exactly she ended up with the leading role of Roxy. All we’re told is she got a script sent to her and she loved it. What was the process of her being ticketed and pursued for the role?

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VERDICT/GRADE: This is the third time in less than a calendar year we’re seeing Pamela Anderson’s story told. There’s also the Hulu miniseries “Pam and Tommy” (completely unauthorized by Pam and Tommy) in addition to her recently published memoir “Love, Pamela.” If you’ve seen the miniseries and read the book, perhaps this offering is a bit Pamela overkill. My knowledge of Pamela wasn’t great and that’s beneficial to me here---learning so much about her kept me completely invested and made an hour and 52-minute documentary never drag its knuckles. It’s remarkably sad this woman— the ultimate 1990s sex symbol with the cool chick next door vibes failed at finding and holding on to love so many times, in part because I don’t think she ever truly loved herself. Is Pamela the extreme hopeless romantic or has she spent her life always seeking love and approval from men she didn’t feel the same for?  It’s clear her defense mechanisms always was and remains fully up, understandable given how things went down with Tommy Lee, not to mention the indignant manner she was often treated by the media in general (highlighted in this documentary with several clips, including a few by an insensitive and unfunny Jay Leno).

By no means do I think this film is flawless because again, among other things I hated how other potential conflicting viewpoints weren’t represented. But I think it’s revealing, honest and a really intriguing stroll down memory lane both narratively and visually, without losing site of the fact Anderson’s very much alive now and ready to thrive. It makes me sad that more people didn’t appreciate her more being on top of the world rather than waiting for her to fall from grace before caring to really know her story—and by more people not appreciating I’m including myself.  Solid flick that’s definitely worth watching. 

Grade: B

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(Editors Note: Some of these reviews I’m pulling off old Facebook posts or blog posts and stuff like that, because why the hell not. In this case specifically I hear Top Gun Maverick’s generating strong Best Picture Oscar buzz, which really wants to make me put this on my Substack. Also worth noting that one of the most annoying things (for me) is reading TV show/movie reviews from several newspapers and elite critics that’s so thought provoking and strong vocabulary that I literally can’t understand half of it. Consider my reviews not “Reviews for Dummies’ but “Reviews for people who struggle to understand what the fuck people like Gene Siskel or the New York Times are actually writing)

On that note, here’s my review of Top Gun Maverick that I watched in late September.

MOVIE REVIEW (WITH SPOILERS): I finally watched Top Gun after all these months of wasted opportunities. Commercially it’s done astronomical, grossing over $1.4 billion worldwide, the highest of Tom Cruise’s career and fifth highest-grossing domestic film ever. If that’s not the prototype for what a summer blockbuster’s supposed to be, I don’t know what the hell is. Dollars are great but, is it actually good? Here’s my take and again, these have SPOILERS-- SO IF YOU HAVEN’T SEEN AND/OR DON’T WANT TO KNOW, skip this post, any comments and also shame on you:

PROS: I came in hoping to embrace a plentiful helping of the cheese, nostalgia, and theatrics of its 1986 predecessor. I was pleased as the style and vibes never strayed too far from the original. Maverick is a true summer blockbuster film in every sense of the word and by the way, a really strong performance by Cruise, someone I’ve never been a big fan of quite frankly through the years. Cruise shows Maverick as nuanced and makes him more likeable than he probably deserves to be. Say what you will and have his back, but end of the day he’s the reason Goose died decades earlier, and Maverick’s erratic behavior constantly endangers other lives, that prick.  Also, seeing how important he was to the original, I enjoye3d how they worked Iceman in and even though his role was brief it’s still significant. Additionally, a solid job of making Rooster look a spitting image of his father (Goose) and sure, “Hangman” was a dick but that’s what he was supposed to be and did so well. Also, a good job of storytelling to make it clear who Rooster was and why Maverick didn’t want him becoming a pilot. At first I didn’t like Penny introduced with no background other than being a former flame of Maverick’s, but I thought she (Jennifer Connolly) was ultimately magnificent not to mention crucial to this story. By the way, great casting with small but meaningful for roles for acting studs like Jon Hamm and Ed Harris among others. Lastly, I loved the ending---it’s ok to leave a movie feeling good and this was the perfect wrap-up (I’m assuming so anyway) to a story that began in the mid-80’s.

CONS: One spoiler I unintentionally found out beforehand was Maverick’s love interest from Top Gun, Charlie, wasn’t in this sequel. That’s fine but 35+ years later I would’ve liked to known what happened to her and Charlie as a couple. Did she die? Did she bang Iceman, Viper or Jester behind his back? Nothing regarding Charlie’s addressed in the film and that bothers me, as a simple throwaway line or two somewhere early on would satisfy nitpickers like myself. The other thing that annoys me a little, similarly to and maybe more than the original is we all know these are the best pilots on earth, flying an extremely dangerous mission that could result in loss of life and there’s an enemy--- but it’s really hard to understand exactly who the enemy is? Who’s firing missiles and using jet fighters against them exactly? To be fair, many have said they didn’t want to make any specific country the enemy and that’s fair, but make up a fictional country or something for fuck’s sake. Lastly, this is NOT a con perse, but you should watch the original before seeing this. It’s not necessarily crucial but I’m confident you’re investment in a handful of characters will be stronger having seen the first movie.

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VERDICT: I see why this has done historically well at the box office, even in spite of scumbags like me who watch it for free on “alternative” streaming devices. The action was exceptional, air stunts often extraordinary, chuckle-worthy scenes, 80s vibes overload when there should be (military bar scene and football on the beach offered as evidence) and emotional moments for sure. Yeah, the movie was cheesy and for the most part extremely predictable—especially Goose saving Maverick’s life and Hangman getting the sweet character redemption by saving both of theirs but who gives a shit—Top Gun Maverick ain’t trying to be something it’s not----it’s not Gone with the Wind, Casablanca or Citizen Kane. It’s a blockbuster loaded with the action, theatrics and cheese that made you feel 1986 wasn’t so far long ago. Loved that it was modern but didn’t stray too far from the O.G. feels.  However, I really wish they would’ve at least addressed/acknowledged Charlie not being around. It’s one of the very few misses in a very good—no, great feel-good action-packed film. One last thing---this totally could be set up to keep a Top Gun movie franchise going with Goose, Hangman and Phoenix taking over a riding off into the sunset Maverick (and Penny).

Grade: A. This was fuckin’ solid.

I’ve been slacking on the reviews but I’ve still been catching a handful of 2022 Christmas movies. One of them is “A Hollywood Christmas”, new on HBO Max. The plot revolves around a Hollywood movie director who produces romantic Christmas movies annually. Of course, an corporate guy is sent to essentially shut it down but shockingly over time the director (Jessica) and numbers dork albeit a good looking one (Christopher) are instantly attracted to each other.  What ensues is –well who the hell knows and quite frankly, who the hell cares. Anyway, here’s my take:

PROS: Nothing.

CONS: Everything.

VERDICT: This is legitimately not only one of the worst Christmas movies I’ve seen, but one of the worst movies of any genre, period.  Seriously, it’s that bad. For starters it’s is barely a Christmas movie in my book but rather a movie about Christmas movies being made (in the middle of summer). It’s horribly casted, horribly acted, horribly written with some of the most predictably cliché scenes I’ve seen in any holiday flick.  It’s not funny, charming nor cute and there’s no one worth rooting for except the final credits to roll.  No beating around the bush here---- “A Hollywood Christmas: is a pile of shit not worth watching.  Grade: F

I didn’t approach this Christmas movie season intentionally watching and reviewing flicks released exclusively in 2022 but that seems to be the direction I’m headed. I just watched my eighth new Christmas flick over the past few weeks, “Holiday Harmony” ( available on HBO Max). It stars Annelise Cepero, Jeremy Sumpter and Brooke Shields (yes, the one you’ve actually heard of) and tells the story of an aspiring singer enroute to the opportunity of a lifetime before her van breaks down in an Oklahoma hick town. Hey, whatyya know—the mechanic is good looking and everything you’d pretty much expect to ensue does. Here’s my take on Holiday Harmony:

PROS: I wasn’t familiar with Annelise Cepero (Gail) before this movie by not familiar I mean I’ve never heard of her. I’ll tell you what though--- she’s far and away the best thing about this movie. She’s gorgeous, talented, charming and was about as enjoyable as humanly possible in plot drowning with ridiculousness, even by cheesy Christmas movie standards. I don’t’ think I’m understating the value she brings, as without her Holiday Harmony is pretty much unwatchable.

Also, the first 45-60 minutes were a compete snoozer but admittedly it grew on me over the second half, thanks again mainly if not exclusively to Gail.

CONS: Plenty to criticize but let’s start with what bothered me most----final 15 minutes aside I don’t think Holiday Harmony was nearly Christmasy enough. Christmas shouldn’t feel like a prop in a holiday movie! Also, casting and performances (aside from Gail) featuring Jeremy (Jeremy Stumpter) and Van (Brooke Shields) were significantly less impressive. Has Brooke Shields been good in anything since The Blue Lagoon 42 years ago?

Also, this movie also felt a huge iHeart Radio production—did they sponsor this? Lastly, I hate nitpicking family-friendly Christmas movie plots but Gail’s van getting messed up in an accident and then getting stuck in Oklahoma for weeks was absurd. She’s literally on her way to Los Angeles for the most important moment/performance of her life. Get your ass a rental or something.

VERDICT: Cepero’s the sole reason to watch this. Scenes where the focus is on her are pretty good. The rest of the storytelling though---Jeremy falling for her, Brooke Shields’ ridiculous overacting, the iHeart radio showcase crap, the kids and their musical performance, etc is pretty much a pile of crap.

To be fair, at least Holiday Harmony does a fine job hammering the meaning of home, family and what they mean in small town communities like this all over the country. I hope to see more of Cepero in the future with actual meaningful roles. I think she could become a big screen mainstay. GRADE: C-

I continue to pound through new release 2022 Christmas movies this season. This wasn’t anything I pre-planned ahead of time, it’s kind of just happened, made easier by me getting sick for the second time in six weeks and having little else to do. Maybe it’s just fate I guess.

Anyway, I caught “The Noel Diary” on Netflix with no prior knowledge of it. As I watched and post this today it’s actually No. 1 on the Netflix Top 10 movies list, so checking it out was a no-brainer. Here’s my takes and grade on it.

BE WARNED---THERE ARE SOME SPOILERS HERE.  If you want to watch this movie but don’t want anything spoiled at all, scroll on past the remainder of this until you’ve watched.

PROS: Justin Hartley AKA Kevin from “This is Us” and I was impressed. He’s emerged as more than just on-screen eye candy and into a pretty damn good actor.. On the surface I think “The Noel Diary” is a pretty good plot: successful author returns to his childhood home around Christmas time following the passing of his mom, meets a female in search of her biological mother that once worked for his family. Along their journey they face past demons, in his case a father he hasn’t spoken with in more than three decades and hers not knowing anything about her real mom.

This isn’t a Christmas comedy by any means so if I ain’t chuckling, you sure as hell better tug at my heart strings and there’s positively a few watery-eyed worthy moments to be had here.

Also, I thought the film imagery was excellent, definitely had all the Christmas in a small town vibes, complete with plenty of snow and authentic decorative scenery.

CONS: I have two with one admittedly my fault. I praised the work of Hartley above but simply can’t get past seeing him as anything other than Kevin from one of my favorite TV shows ever. To make matters worse Jake Turner is just like Kevin Pearson—not just handsome but highly successful and famous yet reasonably humble and irresistibly charming. It’s like, trade best selling author for actor and Jake and Kevin Pearson are essentially the same fuckin’ person. Anyway, pigeonholing Hartley’s on me and unlikely an obstacle for you, especially if you weren’t obsessed with “This is Us” like I was.

My biggest con is definitely Rachel. Kevin’s (oops, I mean Jake) mourning the loss of his mother in the home he grew up in just as Rachel comes in and literally turns this man’s life upside down. Her initial purpose (to learn about her real mother) is innocuous and pure but it’s not long before she digs her emotional claws directly into Jake’s heart. Typically this leads to romantic adventures for all to enjoy but there’s one slight problem---- she’s engaged to a dude named Adam, who by all accounts in the movie is nothing but sweet. Rachel and Jake clearly start to develop feelings for each other throughout their journey and it culminates with Rachel transforming from flirtation to straight-up whore. There’s a scene with a romantic candlelight dinner over fancy red wine and smooth jazz music, with her dolled up to the nines. I mean, she’s thirsty for Jake at this point— like, super horny.  Being the low-key villain she is, she essentially breaks up with him while he sleeps after they get it on and she returns home, having found out what she was looking for (her mom loved her). Jake risks it all on Christmas Eve by showing up at her place but she shuts him out, even telling Jake she doesn’t love him. Sure, she comes around the next day and while Jake was happy I’m not quite as forgiving. That vixen doesn’t deserve you dude, GTFOH.

VERDICT: I hope it’s obvious at least portions of my venom for Rachel is sarcasm but seriously, significant parts of this story were extremely flawed. That’s not to say “The Noel Diary” was a complete shit show.  Again, I thought Jake was a compelling character, I loved the physical interaction he had with Rachel’s biological mother at the hospital (best scene of the movie in fact), I felt his inner peace when he found a bunch of old letters realizing his father wrote him constantly for years during their estrangement and I liked the slow burn developing relationship between he and Rachel.  Conversely, I found it incredibly nonsensical how quickly they changed directions after they hooked up (was he horrible in bed or something?) and I also felt bad for her fiancé --- what the hell that dude ever do to deserve this—she clearly broke up with him either late Christmas eve or early Christmas morning—what a monster.

Lastly, I appreciated having the pleasurable Christmas ending I craved but holy shit man, it ended entirely too abruptly. Let them enjoy a Christmas smooch or fucking something before cutting to the credits! If you’re binging every Christmas movie you can get your eyes on this may suffice but by no means should this be any sort of priority.   Grade: C -